2022

is this your mom’s car?

While most of my friends were finishing their degrees and hitting bars or parties in our early twenties, I was breastfeeding and changing diapers. As a result, I often felt a lot older than I was and sometimes struggled to connect with new people my age.

I was excited when I went back to school at 24 because it felt like an opportunity to regain some of my twenties while I embarked on a journey to build a new life and start a new career. For some reason, one night always sticks out in my mind and makes me laugh so I invite you to join me on this trip down memory lane.

Because #ImTheMom, I was on designated driver duty with a toddler at home hanging out with a babysitter when a group of my classmates and I decided to go out for drinks and dancing. At one point or another, a group of guys invited us to sit at their table. As a group of single gals, we obliged. It was loud and chatting was difficult; the Mellotones were playing. We were really there for the music, anyway.

Or so I thought.

Around 11pm, one of my girlfriends told me she thought she was hitting it off with one of the guys. She’s two years younger than me and I was pretty sure these guys were barely 19, so I cheered her on. His friend decided to try his luck. (Spoiler: he struck out.)

One thing led to another and it was time to take off. As DD, I was driving my friend home when she suddenly spouted a brilliant* idea. We should drive these guys home! It’s not far! It’s on the way!

OKFINE. I agree to drive her beau and his roommate home. As suspected, these second-year Dal students were 19 and lived in some of the apartment near campus. Knowing where they lived, we began walking to my car. My friend and her lust interest were chatting away while his friend continued to talk to me.

And this is where I have to say, they were perfectly lovely, 19-year-old dudes. I don’t remember their names or even the street where they live. I’ve blocked it all out because…

We got to my car as a group and, as four people naturally do with a four door car, everyone went to a door. And that’s when the two guys spotted the carseat in the back passenger seat.

“Oh, cool ca- Wait. Is this your mom’s car?” my would-be Romeo asks, staring through the window and then looking at me like an idiot.

First, I drove (and still drive) a 2013 Hyundai Elantra GT hatchback that my spouse refers to as “girly green”. It was and is cool to 20-something women and grandmothers, and perhaps small children who don’t understand what is and isn’t cool yet.

Second, CAN YOU IMAGINE?

“Actually, I’m the mom!” I replied, hopping in my driver’s seat and letting this poor kid come to terms with his reality. He was initially visibly shaken by the prospect that he might have been trying to bed a woman who potentially pushed a baby out of her vag.

On their drive home, these dimwits asked questions about my kid and replied “cool” to pretty much everything. Thankfully, as I recall, it was a short drive from Barrington St to their apartment. As I attempted to drop them off, my friend insisted on going in. GROAN.

Since I couldn’t leave her there with strange dudes, and because I also couldn’t bear the thought of her sleeping with one of these idiots, I went in and saw their place which I can only describe as “only had disposable plates and cutlery”. It smelled like urine and stale beer. Sexy.

Thankfully, she has a nose and it works and that was enough to turn her off. We left and drove home laughing at the “Is this your mom’s car?” question hysterically. I recall we told the entire tale in class the following Monday, and I realize it might not be as funny in black and white as it is in my memory.

But it was H I L A R I O U S.

It was also the last night I ever went out on the town thinking “Maybe tonight I’ll meet a guy.”

(Thank goodness for Bumble bringing me to M.)

*not brilliant

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