REAL TALK.

January hit me hard.

After being sidelined by a gross virus over the holidays (yay, daycare germs!), I got back into the swing of work with two new clients (yay, actually!) and then got walloped with my kids’ birthdays. F turned fourteen on January 14, and S turned two on the 23rd. In short: it’s been a busy friggin’ month.

The tiny lull of the holidays gave me a pang of what I’ve missed over the first couple of months with E. I won’t lie – I felt a pang of sadness at the end of my very late, very short, not actual maternity leave when I logged back into all of the things. The guilt grew and grew and all but threatened to swallow me whole. As my weeks become busier and I have less time during the day to focus on E; as our evenings and weekends are increasingly filled with the tasks we didn’t complete during our work days; as I steal away 30 minutes of time for myself, I hear a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I’m robbing my kids of important memories with me.

But, I’ve realized something: the narrative I’ve been telling myself is a lie.

The truth is that *I* want this time. The memories I’m worried about making are mine, they’re not my kids. And I’m making them even though I’m working – the precious moments don’t exclusively happen between 9am-4pm. They happen when I’m in them, regardless of the time of day.

The truth is these are not the years when my littlest ones are making memories. They don’t remember what we did in the morning, for crying out loud. They won’t look back on these days wishing I had held them for an extra 45 minutes while they slept. And the memories we do make? They won’t remember that it was on Tuesday evening or Saturday morning. They’ll remember the togetherness that we make count.

The truth is that S is better for having daycare and E is just fine with his babysitter and grandparents. These experiences are giving my kids the opportunity to build relationships, resilience, and independence. And, by carving out dedicated time for work and my family, I can ensure the time I spend with them is quality time.

The truth is that, by building my business now, I’m setting us up for more freedom to make memories together however, wherever, and whenever we want to down the road.