A year ago today, I was on my way to the IWK for an iron transfusion – severely anaemic and 37 weeks pregnant. I was exhausted. I was sick of being pregnant. I was literally sick. And I couldn’t wait to hold my baby boy in my arms.

About 36 hours after my transfusion, I held Elliot Mac in my arms and breathed in the bittersweet reality that I would never hold my newborn baby for the first time again.

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For the past 364 days, life has burst at the seams almost every day. Two children two and under can best be described as chaos, and the added layer of a busy teenager, a budding business, and general life meant this past year has left me feeling pulled in so many directions at once that I’m sometimes not sure how I’m still in one piece.

The early days are a blur, with vivid memories peppered in. Finley visiting us in the hospital. Sebastian meeting his baby brother for the first time. Our first outing as a family of five (which, I’ll be honest, wasn’t a particularly fond memory). The first laughs. Holding Elliot in my arms while I read emails; walking on my WalkingPad while he slept in the carrier; the sound of the swing in the background on calls.

I sometimes grieve for the maternity leave I didn’t have; the quiet mornings I might have spent snuggled with my newborn or the afternoons I might have walked while he napped in his stroller. But, I also know I wouldn’t change a bit. While he was home with me for the first six months, I got the best and the worst of both worlds: I juggled diaper changes, feedings, and night wakings with deadlines, client visits, and a full calendar. It was exhausting and worth every yawn.

364 days later, I can admit that, in some ways, I’m only just beginning to feel like myself again.

But, amidst the exhaustion and the busyness and everything in between, I’ve felt the most at-home I’ve ever felt.

The sense that our family is complete hit me the moment Elliot was born. I’m reminded of it every time I see my three boys together. And I remember every time I hear them laughing just how lucky I am. To have three healthy boys. To be their mom.

And tomorrow, I celebrate a whole year of being a mom of three. A whole year of Elliot.