single mom


It’s been one of those days since before it even began.

It probably really started with my hangover on Sunday, and it’s been snowballing into one of the worst moods I’ve been in since that time J told me he bought a truck after telling me he couldn’t afford to send money for his son.

Yep. It’s that bad and I don’t even really know why, but I’m OK with both of those things.

Bad moods happen. So do gigglefits and random bursts of hysterical laughter, hiccups and super-embarassing trip-over-your-own-feet moments. Imagine how boring life would be without them (and how few wrinkles and grey hair we’d all have). The realization that shit happens came to me a little bit later in life than I would have liked, and at 25 there are still a lot of things I need to learn but I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I wish I’d known sooner. For instance, you can wear brown and black at the same time among other (arguably more important) things like these:

1. Sometimes you don’t have to be nice. As a people pleaser this is a tough pill for me to swallow, however there are times I can’t be nice and people whom I just cannot be nice to. I can’t be kind to unkindness, but I don’t have to be mean either. Walking away is the best option, but I’ve learned not to put up with the bullshit.
2. It’s absolutely OK to not be OK all the time. Much like bad moods, meltdowns do happen. Sometimes they’re short, sometimes they last and last. If you’re sad, be sad – don’t try to hide it or gloss it over. Life is about the highs and lows.
3. As much as life is about the highs and lows, you do not need to feel low all the time. You can seek help. You can find happy, and the best part is that you don’t have to do it alone.
4. You can be alone and not be lonely.
5. Nobody can hold your happiness: it is all yours. Own it, run with it and treasure it.
6. You can love your child and dislike motherhood at the same time. Society doesn’t talk about it, but it can happen. Discipline, selflessness and living on the schedule of a toddler is maddening and has probably led many others to meltdowns like my own. I love F, but there are times I miss being a free agent with nothing but my own wellbeing to worry about.
7. Everybody lies. Just make sure you’re not lying to yourself.
8. You can love someone and hate them in the same breath.
9. Sometimes, you really can’t move on.
10. Nobody actually cares about how much you weigh or what size your jeans are. They also can’t see that five pounds you wanted to lose, and it’s not the end of the word if it’s still hanging out in your thighs.

Are there other things I wish I’d known a little earlier in life? Of course! I wish I’d known that my husband liked trucks more than he liked me, or that closure may never come to you when you’ve lost a loved one. I wish I’d known that my heart would break every day once I became a mother and that it’s OK to have no fucking idea what I’m doing with my life. It’s also OK to be 25 and make reference to “when I grow up” (and joke about never really doing so). I’m sure I’ll stumble across a lesson later today, or day after tomorrow and realize that I could have benefited from the knowledge on Monday afternoon or three years ago.

So is life.

It is knowing and not knowing at the exact same time.

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