I am indecisive.
All of the proof to support that statement can be found at 7:00am in my closet, as I stand in my underwear ripping clothes off hangers and walking back and forth between my wardrobe and the mirror. Occassionally, I pick out my clothes the night before – laid out neatly on a chair. Even more rare than that kind of organization is that I feel like wearing that particular outfit come morning. Some mornings are a two or three outfits kind of event, while others are a closet-destroying fiasco. I’m just not very good at making decisions – whether pairing pants and shoes or narrowing down a meal for myself.
I guess that’s why I’m so surprised at how easily I came to decide that I would come back to school. I knew it would be a hard year. I knew I would be tired, that I’d be sick of the travel and I knew – without a doubt – that I’d miss F more than I could comprehend.
So far, I’m three for three: I am exhausted, I hate traveling back to Cape Breton and the thought of waking up without F brings a tear to my eye. Being away from him has resulted in a dull pain in my chest that just never goes away. I both look forward to and dread weekends, knowing I’ll enjoy my time with him but that leaving (or watching him leave) will break my Mommy heart again.
There have been many moments when I’ve found myself wondering what the Hell I’d been thinking when I signed up for this year, but as time goes on I’m finding myself feeling more and more at peace with my decision. Even though I’m missing moments I’ll never get back, I know I’m setting up the stage for many great memories in our future.
I guess some decisions are easier to make than others.
I am indecisive.