You only accept the love you think you deserve.
I read this line over and over and realized how true those words have been in my own life, and in the lives of some of those closest to me. It’s been a journey of learning and understanding for me to be able to recognize that I have often deserved more than I demanded from myself and others. I spent years as the pushover. I gave up on myself again and again, and I have nothing but a lot of wasted time to show for that. I’ve accomplished more in the last year than I did in the four preceding it. Why? Because I demanded it of myself.
While there are certainly times that I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way I had expected, first with J and then with Red, the truth is that I’m totally OK without them. Better than OK, actually. Much better. Talking about the issues with J is much like flogging a dead horse at this point, and things with Red are as complicated as they are raw. But, there comes a time when you must accept that you cannot change things and there is so much healing in just letting go.
I won’t pretend to have it all figured out – I don’t. I don’t even have half of it figured out, and I won’t pretend that my life is always in harmony. There are days when I wish I had something I don’t, or I feel a pang of jealousy towards someone else’s fortunes. I won’t dare admit the number of days I begrudge J and his carefree existence. But is it carefree? I don’t know. I do know he’s not helping raise his child in any way, shape or form, and sometimes that hurts. But mostly, it doesn’t. I decided a long time ago that he was no longer my problem.
Giving ourselves what we deserve can be difficult. Recognizing our worth is often impossible, as we are so clouded by our own harsh criticisms that we cannot see past them. We must learn to give ourselves credit where credit is due, and perhaps most importantly, we have to give ourselves a break every now and again. We can only accept the love we think we deserve.
What if we all decided we deserve the best?