Sometimes, parenting doesn’t look quite the way we thought it would. Life doesn’t always play out exactly the way we want it to. Sometimes, it’s the complete opposite. While I usually find this to be a good thing, it can be so hard to see a positive outcome at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
And sometimes – even when you can see the bright horizon – you can’t quite help but feel overwhelmed and sad and alone.
This has largely been my reality for the last five weeks. In spite of the happiness that comes with scoring an amazing new job, aside from the excitement of new opportunities and the obvious perks (read: money!) of making a life-changing decision… I really miss F.
I miss his goofy little laugh and his ridiculous dance moods and I even miss that whiney thing he does when it’s time to brush his teeth. I miss getting him snacks every 12 seconds. I miss snuggling and random, bone-crushing, soul-warming hugs and I love yous and I almost miss how he farts in bed and then accuses me. Or the cat. (I swear, it wasn’t me.)
I miss making my Angry Parent face, and my Proud Parent face – so I show lots of photos and talk about him because PROUD PARENT FACE – and I miss my “just eat your fucking peas” face and the “I’ve got a surprise!” face and all of the other faces. I miss wearing my Doctor hat, and my Super Hero hat and my Dance-Wizard shoes and all of the other fun (and not so fun) things I do in the run of a day with F.
Except washing dishes. I do not miss that. And also haven’t escaped that…
But I digress.
Not realizing Mom had picked up a Hallowe’en costume for my little ghoul, I went on the hunt tonight to get one. Thinking he’d be excited to be the Hulk (you should see his Hulk Smash), I grabbed one while I picked up a few items at the store tonight. Turns out, F wanted to be an animal for Hallowe’en, not the Hulk or Superman or anything else. So Mom got him a giraffe costume, and it’s flippin’ ADORABLE.
But, after I ended our FaceTime I found myself trying to comfort my own aching heart. FaceTime is my least favourite face of parenting, but I’m sure glad I have parents who are making it possible. XO
imashleymi.com 
God love ya! What a sin! *hugs*
He’s adorable! He can Hulk Smash another year. It will all work out.
Face time is so much better with actual faces. You will see him soon.
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Might I ask why, exactly, you chose to leave him in a different city instead of moving him with you – again? I ask because my mom did the same thing to me and my sister when we were young. We’ve never gotten over the feelings of abandonment.
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Hi Sam,
Thanks for commenting. My son is visiting my parents for a couple of weeks because I had a 2-week turn around on my move and, since he’s not in school, he doesn’t need to jump into a schedule. He’s with them during the week and with me on weekends. This is really no different than the typical custody set-up with many divorced parents where one has the children on weekdays and the other on weekends.
My (soon-to-be) ex-husband hasn’t seen my son in two years and doesn’t support us financially. To make our move easier, I decided to have my parents care of him short-term while I house-hunted and found a new daycare/preschool for him. This wasn’t an easy decision for me, and my son was a big part of it. We discussed whether or not he was comfortable with it and I made sure he fully comprehended the situation before we moved forward. I Skype, FaceTime or speak to my son on the phone every night.
I’m sorry to hear you haven’t gotten over your feelings of abandonment. Perhaps you should seek counselling. I’m not sure if you intended to come across as judgmental, but I feel as though you are judging me without knowing the path I walk. Luckily, I have a tough skin but it begs the question: Would you ask this question if I was a soldier, serving my country overseas on deployment? Probably not, I bet.
Have a great day!
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