Sometimes, parenting doesn’t look quite the way we thought it would. Life doesn’t always play out exactly the way we want it to. Sometimes, it’s the complete opposite. While I usually find this to be a good thing, it can be so hard to see a positive outcome at the end of a long, dark tunnel.
And sometimes – even when you can see the bright horizon – you can’t quite help but feel overwhelmed and sad and alone.
This has largely been my reality for the last five weeks. In spite of the happiness that comes with scoring an amazing new job, aside from the excitement of new opportunities and the obvious perks (read: money!) of making a life-changing decision… I really miss F.
I miss his goofy little laugh and his ridiculous dance moods and I even miss that whiney thing he does when it’s time to brush his teeth. I miss getting him snacks every 12 seconds. I miss snuggling and random, bone-crushing, soul-warming hugs and I love yous and I almost miss how he farts in bed and then accuses me. Or the cat. (I swear, it wasn’t me.)
I miss making my Angry Parent face, and my Proud Parent face – so I show lots of photos and talk about him because PROUD PARENT FACE – and I miss my “just eat your fucking peas” face and the “I’ve got a surprise!” face and all of the other faces. I miss wearing my Doctor hat, and my Super Hero hat and my Dance-Wizard shoes and all of the other fun (and not so fun) things I do in the run of a day with F.
Except washing dishes. I do not miss that. And also haven’t escaped that…
But I digress.
Not realizing Mom had picked up a Hallowe’en costume for my little ghoul, I went on the hunt tonight to get one. Thinking he’d be excited to be the Hulk (you should see his Hulk Smash), I grabbed one while I picked up a few items at the store tonight. Turns out, F wanted to be an animal for Hallowe’en, not the Hulk or Superman or anything else. So Mom got him a giraffe costume, and it’s flippin’ ADORABLE.
But, after I ended our FaceTime I found myself trying to comfort my own aching heart. FaceTime is my least favourite face of parenting, but I’m sure glad I have parents who are making it possible. XO