It’s been just over a year since happy photos of J and I were taken on our wedding day. I avoided these photos like the plague for months. I was driving home from town one day, not too long ago, when our song came on the radio. Instead of turning it off like a normal person might do, I tortured myself by listening to it. It hurt.
Five years of my life went into that relationship. At twenty-four, that’s a long time. It’s 1/5 of my life. I loved J in a way that I had never loved before, but I know in my heart he was never the one. We were too different – and not in the ways that make a relationship successful. It wasn’t a matter of I was neat and he was untidy, or him shy and myself outgoing. It was our interests, our values, our friends. Most importantly, it was our wants in life and our outlooks on relationships.
|Five years lead up to this moment. It was torn down in six months.
It’s hard for me to fathom that I could love him so much, that I could give up so much and get so little in return. I don’t think I ever asked for much. I wanted a partner, a father to my son. That was all. I didn’t need the diamond ring, a fancy wedding or a nice car. Just love, support and a life together.
|With F – one of my favourite images holds the most heartache.|
I never anticipated that we would split up. I never anticipated that some of my friends would turn their backs on me – including those who were a part of our wedding day. It never occured to me that my son would have his own family turn their back on him.
I could spend a lot more of my time worrying about these things. I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost people I loved – like J, his parents, siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews. They were my family. I will always care for each and every one of them. Knowing that those relationships have been smashed and can never be put back together is painful, but there comes a time when you have to know when to walk away. I had to.
Losing J was hard, but a lifetime of sadness would be a lot harder. With this post, with this day of thanksgiving, I am going to really walk away. Leave all the bad feelings behind. Let go of my guilt.