2017 · single mom

still alive

If you – like some of my other social media friends – were cautiously side-eyeing the Obituaries section of the news to make sure my name wasn’t there, I’d like to now assure you I am still very much alive. Perhaps even more alive than I was the last time you read one of my live-tweets.

A little over a month ago, I decided to remove Facebook and Twitter apps from my phone. And then I removed my personal email, which is often filled with pitch requests and social media invitations. And then, for the first time in YEARS, my life felt… quiet.

A few days later, while at an appointment with my physician, I was put off work to take the very necessary time to get my health back on the straight and narrow. I’d love to say it was a huge success and that I’m not feeling anxious about things these days, but the truth is I’m already getting a lump in my stomach and feeling antsy typing these words today. Opening up is hard.

Anxiety is a real bitch, and despite my best efforts I haven’t yet made it my bitch – and maybe I never will. Maybe I just need to accept that anxiety will sneak up on me when I least expect it – when I’m otherwise feeling happy and confident.

Oh, and in case you ever wondered – There’s nothing in the world that makes you feel so crazy as feeling sad when you know you’re happy and fearful when you know you’re safe. 

(But anxiety doesn’t care about logic or reality.)

So, if not on Twitter and Facebook – where have I been?

Mostly trying to stay away from wifi, creating memories with my family, and working with some amazing healthcare professionals to get my health up to snuff. Unplugging from work and the online world is hard for me, and the only way to do it was to make a clean break and slowly come back when I was ready.

After logging into Twitter and Facebook this week, I’ve firmly decided those apps will not be returning to my phone. I’d like to reintroduce BRB to my life – no more always connected.

(BTW: the irony of this post following my last post about social media is not lost on me.)

This month has actually helped open my eyes to just how noisy my life is – and not because it has to be, but because I’ve made it noisy. I love blogging, but I don’t love being approached by strangers telling me they saw my kid and partner. I love chatting with my friends far and near, but I don’t love having my notifications blow up because someone didn’t like something I said. But I know one comes with the other.

So, what’s next?

Honestly, I’m not totally sure. My number one focus is re-establishing a positive routine for my family as we reintegrate into work and school. This past month gave me the opportunity to purge physical, mental and emotional clutter and I’m not keen to re-clutter our lives. Instead of diving into the hustle and bustle of pitching and tweeting, I’m happy to stay on the sidelines where I can focus my energy on the things that mean the most to me: my health, my happiness, and – of course – my family and friends.

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